The "nth" Impression

 It has been now a good 25 years now of my work life, starting from 1998 and not one day goes by where I am not concerned about what others think about me. One of my very good friend says, "One should be agnostic about what others think about you"! Well she might be right because she lives in her own head and she indeed is ignorant to people's thoughts. I am not like that.

Speaking about what people think about you, haven't all been taught like that right from the time we become self aware. My son will be 5 years old this April, 2023 and until last year, he lived a life what my friend said about. Kids can but we do not let them be until they become self-aware in the name of society, education, school, etiquettes and habits. Until last year, my son wore anything, slept anywhere, ate anything, peed anytime, anywhere even in his pants (only we used to make him wear diaper, because we cannot make the bed messy or rather wash the bedsheets...! Grownups!)! I feel he had a life until he is put into society. Now he has to sit in a certain way, wear certain clothes for certain events, walk this way and do other things that way. He has to be part of the competition. Why? When did life became competitive from mere survival. Why living and survival are demeaning if you are not competing? If you do not be part of race, you do not exist.

It is this race that tells us from our education to professional life to personal too that we need to make a good impression. Impressions are hard to make but easy to be pointed at. I have to bring the popular phrase, "First Impression"! We make first impressions not just the first time but all the time. A very easy example could be, we getting dressed up, make up etc for our wedding whereas, the bride and groom have seen each other without all that the first time already. The people who come for wedding know us already and still we want to look different in front of them on that day. Why? What are we celebrating? What are we making it as a point? That we look this way if we make ourselves look like this? Or, we can look like this too? We essentially lie on physical front than speaking a lie. This happens not just on our weddings but happens everyday from dressing to walking to talking to smiling to greeting each other. This is the "nth" impression. 

We don't do first impressions, we do the "nth" impression. We repeat it as many times as we want. We never get satisfied. Even if we impress one person, we want to impress the next although we have nothing to gain from that person. We want to impress the same person again and again. We use different props at different times. Sometimes we use our wealth, sometimes our education, sometimes our art or skill, sometimes just our god given looks and at times (the worst form ever), we use our relations, be it our kids or parents or friends or siblings. We live a life to showcase a trophy. The desire is insatiable. We do this until we die. The only time we do not care about our first or nth impression is until we are asked to become self aware (like my son is now brought into already. I have to... don't I? What option do I have?) at a tender age of 3.5 or so and the other time is we grow so old that we have dementia or some mental disturbance such as Perkins maybe. Those are the only times when we do not care about falling down, though the pain is unbearable or farting in front of anyone. 

Life begins with a cry as you are born and ends with some sort of pain (for many) or nothing at all (for some who die in sleep or die instantly in an accident without even screaming, perhaps). What happens between is the habitual chase of "nth" impression. If we aren't good this time, we try again. We do pick our avenues to go for the "nth" impression. We may not try again and again to or for the same situation but we will go for something else for sure. The "nth" impression is what keeps us moving. I do not mean to say that we do everything for only one selfish reason. We do things for many reasons but we never stop putting our one attempt at least in a day in our "nth" impression. Thus, first impression is actually a myth. It is the "nth" impression makes us tick.

But is it justified to do this? We keep swallowing our pride too sometimes. We ignore the misgivings and misdoings. We chase the wrong person to be our life partner or friend or even employer. We give everything away. Self respect or pride are modified in this case for the "nth" impression. Human mind is a container of thoughts and thoughts are never rigid. They are adjusted to the situation even for the most self respecting and hardened principled person. What lacks in such people too is that they too never stop making the "nth" impression. 

I may have said too much emphasizing the same point but I do not mean everybody does that. Majority do but there are minorities who do not. They have an unassuming personality and demeanor. They do not even care they way they dress or move around. They are mentally elevated and mostly live in their own head, like my good friend. She is a person who is sorted and sustains her thoughts in the toughest of times too. Similarly, I have a friend whose father is someone who has worked all his life not to impress anyone but just to get the job done. I envy such people. I wish I could be like them but I try hard to be so. They have not cared about their own first impressions yet, leave alone the "nth". In a way, I find them at peace. Not dead, but they do go to bed and rest in peace.

Someday, sometime, I might be able to live a life with no urge to impress anyone for the "nth" time. I seek to get out this wagon which drives me in circles or spins me around to do the "nth" impression in different form with different people. There are positive sides to it though. It makes me happy. It makes everybody happy whoever does it. It also makes the person happy who is getting impressed the "nth" time. Rational mind says that, its an harmless activity when people are getting happy and it certainly does not deserve a pabulum (food for thought). The concern is when the "nth" time fails. What follows is barrage of trials. At some point if your mind is not able to process the "nth" attempt with something different and the disappointment after that is hard to carry, people commit suicide or give up entirely to remain passive. The thread of "nth" impression has this impediment where we live on the edge. Hope the euphoria is without this chase, someday for all before going old with dementia or senile.